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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28832637">a life too short for morning coffees</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnandreil/pseuds/damnandreil'>damnandreil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Hurt Neil Josten, M/M, Matt Boyd &amp; Neil Josten Friendship, Mentioned Foxes (All For The Game), Oneshot, POV Matt Boyd, Protective Matt Boyd, matt and neil, no romance just sad neil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:14:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,189</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28832637</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnandreil/pseuds/damnandreil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>' Do you ever miss it?'</p><p>'Miss what?'</p><p>'Being on the run.'</p><p>Matt finally asks Neil a question he's been wondering ever since his return from Baltimore.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a life too short for morning coffees</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Do you ever miss it?’</p><p>Neil took the coffee from the cupboard and undid the lid before placing it on the counter. He turned himself toward his roommate leaning against the door frame, before rummaging through the drawers for a spoon.</p><p>‘Miss what?’ Neil replied.</p><p>Matt shifted his weight as he considered his answer before moving to rest against the fridge. He looked at Neil closely, taking in his bare arms. Ever since Neil made the decision to not wear his armbands around Matt, he had refused to focus on the burns and scars that littered them. Neil had trusted him with a part of himself only Andrew had ever explored- Matt was not willing to take advantage of that, worrying even now that his question would be too far.</p><p>‘Being on the run.’</p><p>He spoke the words slowly and with a caution to ease the impact they might’ve had yet he watched as Neil froze- hand hovering over a spoon. Matt stayed silent, flinching at the sudden stillness Neil bore. It was momentary, a simple flex of his fingers and it was gone. Matt blinked- looking on at his roommate while he picked up a spoon and grabbed two cups, flicking the kettle on and began spooning coffee into the mugs. He was fully aware of the tension in the room yet kept his back to Matt as he tapped his fingers and waited for the water to boil. Matt’s eyes never left him as he worked, his mind brewing up horrific consequences for his words in an attempt to ease the agonising silence he was forced to endure. Listening as Neil’s finger tapped out a slow tune was easier than listening to his rising guilt so he closed his eyes and focused on the hollow echo each tap had.</p><p>‘Sometimes.’</p><p>Matt shuddered at Neil’s words, opening his eyes to see him pour water into the mugs. His gaze was distant, his feelings vacant as he continued to pour.</p><p>‘Neil it’s gonna overflow,’ Matt said and when Neil continued he forced himself over and gently pried the kettle from him- causing Neil to flinch and knock the cups over. Matt cursed and rushed for the sink as he felt the boiling water pry into his skin and pain surge at him. He gritted his teeth as he watched the cool water numb his arm and focused on his breathing. After staying like this for some time, finally feeling content with the relief, he turned around to face Neil.</p><p>He hadn’t moved. He lay still supported by his elbows on the laminate floor as he stared into the distance. Yet again his head was elsewhere and Matt wasn’t sure if he was willing to venture. He spoke softly and tried to bring him back.</p><p>‘Neil.’</p><p>A slight shiver and the cloud over Neil’s eyes cleared. Scouring the room they met the burn on Matt’s arm.</p><p>‘Shit, Matt I’m sorry.’ He said, shaking his head as he pushed himself up off the ground. He paused to look at his own arms- his face contorting into one of guilt as old memories surfaced and became fresh again. Matt made the connection soon enough.</p><p>‘It’s fine, a bit of bio oil and cream and this will clear up in no time.’ He said.</p><p>He tried a smile, a warm one as a way of consoling him. Neil didn’t return it. Instead, he turned around and reboiled the kettle.</p><p>‘If you were to ask me right now if I would run away again, I would hesitate.’ Neil began. ‘I’d say no eventually but there would be a pause, a ‘what if?’ if you like. You and the rest of the team have all become my home in one way or another, you all gave me a reason to stay and a reason to feel protected and safe. But moments like now? Like the riot staged to get me to Baltimore where you all got hurt? Your cars being destroyed because of my lack of self control? I wonder if it's worth it, am I worth your protection after all I do to destroy it?’</p><p>‘Of course it is Neil-’ Matt began.</p><p>‘But is it?’ He said, turning around to meet his eyes, ‘This is hurting you and the rest of the team of course I would be hesitant to stay.</p><p>‘And yet you would?’</p><p>Neil held his questioning stare and raised brow with a look that conveyed both defiance and defeat. He shook his head and smiled a little before returning to the coffee.</p><p>‘You want to know something? I’d never had coffee before I came here- didn’t have the time to. There were no early mornings to watch the sunrise and no late nights to watch the stars. No time to stop for a moment and appreciate all these little things people are, no time to enjoy a coffee. My life was always going to be too short for that.’</p><p>Matt couldn’t see it but Neil’s eyes creased as he smiled to himself. He knew he had finally found a place that had time for him to stop and watch the world pass and somewhere where he could grow and heal on his own terms. He lifted his head and breathed- for a moment savouring the stillness of the air.</p><p>‘That’s why I could never leave, not again. The world has finally stood still for me, finally said I can have time. I’ll never be perfect, I know that but I can sure as hell be better than the people who’ve hurt me. Simply by standing here alive I’m doing better than I ever thought and sometimes that’s all I need to stay.’ He paused to pick up the cups and placed them on the counter. ‘Andrew gave me a reason to stay when I was so desperate to run but the strength of the team has kept me going since.’</p><p>He turned to find Matt, spoon and coffee in hand, standing beside him. He gestured for Neil to move and began preparing their drinks. Neil stared at the red forming on his arm and noted how careful Matt was being- a shiver ran through him as he remembered how he had been the same. He began absentmindedly tracing the texture of his arms and allowing himself to be taken back to that day; knowing he would go into a state of panic soon enough but unable to stop it.</p><p>Until he felt a warm cup being placed into his hands as they were gently pried from his arms.</p><p>He gave a slight nod to Matt who grasped his own cup tightly and smiled. It was only small but Matt knew what it meant. Neil had finally found comfort in him enough that he could open up to him and in turn allow Matt to understand him that little bit more. He knew Neil had never known people could radiate such genuine care for him and was determined to show it. One coffee at a time.</p><p>He returned his smile and they stood in comfortable silence- taking in the warmth between them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is my first time on this website lmao and also my first aftg fic so if it's shit I wanna know but thank you for reading :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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